Jesus Loves YOU :")

I am starting to fly again :). It's a constant process of course, but God is with me for sure. And He definitely has a plan for my beloved.

Love, there is not going to be an option 2. This is what God promises:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

All will happen in His timing.

"Your Father truly loves you and His love for you is so evident, that secretly, I yearn for the same love." My heart goes out to you, love, and my eyes welled up when reading that. Jesus does love you! He loves all human beings the same! Even if you do not choose to love Him, He loves you for who you are, beyond anything I or any other human can. He died for you and me, and for those who murdered him. Don't give yourself option 2, love. Trust God to hold to His promises. Keep seeking. Let's step out in faith, sweetheart. Let's live our lives and march forward confidently! My God is a great God and He can make things happen.

Yes, I am broken, but don't you underestimate what you mean to me. For I could not trust anymore, but you showed me a heart of gold. You were broken by the dark assumptions I made and the aspersions I cast to you, but yet you held steadfast amid the spew of my poison. Please, look at yourself in the mirror! Look at the dazzling colours I see in you. And you have done no small thing to me. I have never felt so loved and cherished. You truly see me for my values, what I stand for. I know that no cheap trick with words will woo you, no dreamy looks will careen you off your feet. But my heart will.

Don't feel inadequate towards me. I am an inadequate human being too, no less than you. I am saved not by my own works but by the blood of Jesus Christ. So if you have any feelings of inadequacy, marvel at the grace and mercy of God that we all are short of. This grace is yours for free should you choose, sweetheart. You could choose me, a flawed human being. Now you have a hurdle more to overcome - to accept that you could have a perfect, loving Father above, who is architect of the stars; who orchestrated the finer workings of the universe. I am truly excited for you! I think it is another step out of the belief that you deserved being left by your biological father.

Continue to step forward toward into the uncharted waters, my love!

If Tomorrow Never Comes - Norma Cornett Marek

Thought I’d post something before going to bed and I can’t stop thinking of this poem. Remember this was how I got to your blog, and did some ‘digging’ into your life? I was even more surprised when you actually posted it up to your blog and you ended it with this ‘I recently met someone who has a whole lot in common with me, where a slight inclination to poetry is one of them. It's not every day that I meet people with the slightest bit of common ground with me and this is indeed a novelty.’

Well, we barely knew each other then, and you had only been on my Facebook for a week or so. Then again, for someone who is so full of herself, she’d read it as ‘He likes me’, but of course the thought was quickly brushed aside. Well, I think everyone likes me all the time (until they get to know me!)

I am glad that I shared this with you, it brought me to your blog, gave me an insight to your life, to the poems that you wrote for me (though I understood nada then – big and deep words for one like me), and above all, I knew you trusted me. You could just see me, somehow, behind all those craziness and funny stuffs. Oh, do you know that I was freaking mad at you when you wanted to delete YOUR blog? Like NOOO!!! Of course, who was I then to tell you not to delete YOUR blog; you were a stubborn mad cow. Anyway, here we go.

 

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

 

 If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days

If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,

To stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you know I do.

 

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,

And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

 

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,

And you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

 

 So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,

That you love them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".

And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

 

I love you, sweetheart.

Exercising My Fat Fingers

Been sleeping and getting up late since semester break began. Guess all it takes is just one day to kick start this habit of mine, again. So here comes the days where I destroy my biological clock, and hmm … gain weight. Well I used to be petite, that once I even thought that I was down with cancer. Gosh. I had this very sick look, coupled with evident cheek bones that made me looked … like a sickling (so I was told by my lecturer).

Of course then I gained weight, unhealthily (thanked to my sleeping habit). Then again, I was told that I was looking really, really good with these few extra kilos. I miss my old petite shape though (I might looked nearly shapeless then, but hey I got to eat what I wanted to!) Well of course I still get to eat what I want now, but … I don’t know. I am getting tad worry off lately. You know Indians have these genes (so I have been told) that give them a pear-shaped body when they become plump. I can’t fathom myself looking like a ... pear?

Then again, eating has been my guilty pleasure. Being a Penangite doesn’t help much either, you literally only have a meal/day (‘cos you eat the whole day LOL). Also not to mention that when you have a Mum who cooks really good food at home and feed you like nobody’s business … oh well, you eat first, then suffer later! Oh also, having a boyfriend who looks much skinnier than you doesn’t help either! I tell you, you certainly do not want to look like a gas tong next to him, though he does weight more than I do … like 3 kilos more? LOL It wouldn’t be long before I catch up that weight of his! Gosh. Not your fault though, love. I still love you.

I always take my figure and face for granted. I don’t do make up, I don’t dress up well (well I do look presentable most of the time, except that few times when I went to town in the evening wearing my red polka-dots pajamas!) Then again, I couldn’t be bothered ‘cos I always think that my face will make it up. Well I don’t have a face that will launch a thousand ships (to my house), but I look somewhat presentable though. But of course there are times (or all the times) where I’d thought to myself – What a beautiful face you have there (this I said it to Mum, friends, and well … everyone too) and praise God for it (in my heart).

Sometimes, on days that I underdressed, I’d constantly tell myself – No worries, you have a sweet face to compensate for it (but again this happens almost every day) I love simplicity really – short pants and shirts and I am ready to go (don’t mind the hair). Hmm … simplicity is not the right word probably (maybe lazy is!), but I love to laze around like that you know – sitting cross-legged, with 2 chairs stacked onto each other, laugh, joke, listen to others etc.

I didn’t see this coming really – I never thought that I would become concern about my weight LOL. In fact I’d always be the one that give people that face when they said ‘I am going on diet’. Of course I won’t go on diet now, but I will start eating healthily (hmm … like eating more vegetables, take more fruits) and drink MORE water from ... tomorrow onwards! Go you...!!!

But hey, having said this, I still believe that one truly shines from inside, and not the other way round. How we look on the outside, is a mere side dish to me. Anytime, I’d still go for a person’s heart. What shines from the inside, will never be consumed by time, ever. Nonetheless, I do not condemn people who want to look good on the outside too. Tell me who doesn’t want to look for themselves and their loved ones aye?

Alright, this is boring really, but typing more helps to get rid the fats in my fingers at least LOL. So today I spoke to you. It felt somewhat … bittersweet. Well it was indeed refreshing that we finally could hear each other’s voice after a week. Not to mention, you really have this soothing kind of voice that could just put me to sleep. Not in a boring sense, but I don’t know … it is simply very pleasant to the ears.  I was feeling bitter ‘cos you were so, so far away from me, and I have been missing you since you left. I try hard not to count the days (which seems like centuries actually!) and constantly tell myself that this will pass. I yearn to be in your arms again.

I loved it too when I heard you laughing over the call. Isn’t it amazing when we come to think about it, that though we are thousand miles away from each other, but we still have that effect on each other? To be able to make each other laugh, missing one another, yearning for one another? It is simply so … wow. I miss you, it seems like it has been years since I last saw you.

You take good care of yourself alright? You are always in my mind and heart. I think about you a lot, I wish I could look after you now that you are down with flu and cough (I wasn’t joking when I said you need to tell them that you need a personal secretary!) Looking forward to the days where our paths will converge again. Till then, my love.

P/s I didn't know I could type this much for a quiet girl like me! This is ... odd.  

Seeking

So I have my other half who is broken, and is attempting to build his wings again, and here I have, me, who am struggling. Little did I know, walking to a relationship where two people share two different faiths, could be really, really, that tough. I always thought to myself, that if I so happened to fall in love to a Muslim (which I did!) or a Christian (I am now!) all I will and need to do is to convert – and live happily ever after. I was wrong, big time.

I don’t know when exactly did my struggles begin, but I remember this really hit me hard.  http://www.reasonablefaith.org/marrying-a-non-christian Remember, love? I did share this with you. I feel even more ‘inadequate’ now that I have read the Bible for myself.

‘Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols?’ 2 Corinthians 6:14-16

‘But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are again the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.’ Galatians 5:16-17

You know, I always thought that we share the same values (well, we still do) i.e. sexual abstinence, seeing a romantic relationship with marriage in mind, being a one man’s woman/one woman’s man, our exclusivities for our other half etc. But I now begin to question, whilst your foundation is built upon your heavenly Father, what would be that of mine? I do not know. While on one hand I begin to question myself, on another, I feel that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, indeed.

Your Father truly loves you and His love for you is so evident, that secretly, I yearn for the same love. Do you remember I told you, that through you, I will have a father that I have always wanted and I will love him dearly? You’d somewhat be a benefactor in this relationship – giving me a father, and siblings that I will never have, and I know, I will love them too (but of course, I didn’t love you for that matter).

But you know what? It is this Father of yours that I need to love, for if I failed to love Him, I will never know how to love you. How can I claim to love someone whose life is centre on something that I couldn’t learn to love, yet? I can’t promise you I will either. What then? 1. I seek and I will find Him. 2. I seek and I give up. I can’t fathom option 2, for that would mean farewell for us both. If we insist, the only thing that would tie us both is lust, and not love, for God is love, and love is God. We will share no common ground, and I do not want that.

I am struggling, truly I am. I feel uncertain, and it makes me feel insecure. Will our paths converge? Will we have each other in the end? It hurts me when you are broken too. I always wish that I could do something for you. I hate not being able to pray with you, for you, and for being unable to do anything when you are broken.  You have done so much for me, so much more than I could ever ask that it keeps me going in time like this.

As bleak as this may sound, I know I will be fine. Also, do not take pity on me, and even if it pains you to walk away (if you decided to one day), but if it is the right thing to do, then remember, you must do it. Do not feel obligated to stay, or even to shoulder any responsibilities. You have me in your net now, and there is nothing that I could do, or want to do about it. I willingly stay in that net of yours.

Plunge

I am broken. How this happened could only be explained so much. I could have stared into the abyss too long, that it stared back. What I know now, is that I am spitting the very venom I fought to repel. To persist in this brokenness will stunt my relationship with God. To take time to heal, however, would draw me even closer than I ever was before. I must get out of this brokenness. My life's sole purpose is to live for God, I cannot fathom another.

Logos is the Reason Why. Without Logos no reason stands for me to live. I will attempt to step out of this darkness. I say 'attempt' because I know I will surely fail; such an attempt is too great a reach for human hands. But knowing certain failure I step out in faith so that the God of Isaac, Abraham, and Jacob will be my Provider. Jehovah Jireh.

And here I plunge without wings; to be built only on the way down.